First Christmas

We normally watch Love Actually on xmas eve.

This is the first xmas since my wife, the mother in law's daughter (another one!) and the stepkids' mum, died back in April. I'm not sure the rest of us should watch it this time. On the other hand something will likely set off a few tears.

In praise of 'Americans'

It's not often I can find something good to say about America but following the latest 'nutter' shooting it appears there's an Islamic connection for those responsible.

Islamic organisations as well as individuals have been very quick off the mark with condemnation and dissociation. Even standing at vigils or whatever in groups and holding placards, leaving ordinary folk in no doubt that they really don't approve of what some claim to be in their name and want no part of it.  

Very visible.

'European' Muslims could learn from this.

Food for thought

A post on the guardian today:

Morally, I've got every right to wear whatever football shirt I like, wherever I like. I've also got enough common sense to know it's not always a great idea to try it.

When people see my football shirt they know which team I support. They cannot assume I'm sexist, homophobic, support genital mutilation, killing of animals in bizarre ways and generally treat scientific reasoning as secondary to supernatural superstitions inherited from my ancestors. Some football fans are like that, some aren't - we don't generally swear allegiance to a book cobbled together centuries ago though so you can't assume anything.

I do support your right to wear whatever you like, and to believe whatever you believe regardless of what others may think, so long as it doesn't harm anyone else. However... the fact that I can't go into my local pub wearing my football shirt is not the fault of the local pub, it is 100% the fault of idiots who claim to follow the same sport as me.

There was a big demo in London the other day protesting against bombing ISIS. There were many others up and down the country. "Not in my name" was written on hundreds of placards.


Sorry to repeat myself but where are the thousands protesting against ISIS carrying "not in Islam's name" placards? Wouldn't that do a lot to defeat Islamophobia?

A step in the right direction

I read in the guardian about a couple of Muslim sisters who died in the attacks. Part of a Muslim family.

Curious, I checked the Mail website and they gave it quite a bit of coverage too. Nothing to do with the glamorous one of course, enabling them to use a sexy picture. Interestingly the family was described as Tunisian. Not a mention of being Muslim.

This is perhaps what we are up against. It's too uncomfortable for the paper so they don't inform their readers that Muslims suffered too.

However, I did notice a video posted of a Muslim being anti ISIS and, more importantly, a news item about the Muslim Council of Britain taking out a newspaper ad condemning the attacks saying that "Islam forbids terrorism."

This is good. Perhaps the Mail should have offered to carry the ad for free. According to the report the ad is in the Telegraph. I don't really see it doing much good there. It needs to be in the Sun. Telegraph readers may well be on the right, politically, but they won't be unaware that the Council repeatedly makes such statements.

It's the ordinary bloke in the street who needs convincing. An ad in The Sun would have been a better start.

Friday the 13th

Paris. Terrible events.

Not too long ago I was of the “Muslims don’t do enough to show their opposition to atrocities carried out in the name of Islam” opinion.

I’ve moved quite a bit from that because of various statements made (though not necessarily well publicised), reports of Imams reporting dodgy goings on and people countering why should they apologise/disown etc and we don’t apologise or speak against stuff, so why should they.

But yesterday I got to thinking – and this is very much based on an impression given by the guardian, writers and readers.

If there’s an article about sexism, harassment or rape and some nutjob like Jessica Valenti employs her “men” style rather than “some men” the point is always made that men who don’t do this personally should be more pro-active in helping to stop other men doing it.

Just last week there was an article and blog about should we intervene when someone is being harassed (like those cases on buses recently) and the overwhelming view was that to say or do nothing was not so much supporting the harassment but enabling it.

And this is the opinion from the same body of people who seem to apply a different conclusion when considering a lack – perceived or otherwise – of opposition to ISIS terrorism among other Muslims.

Yesterday there was a video posted in several media outlets of Imams in Paris singing La Marseillaise and I thought “now this is good.” But it was noticeably absent from the Daily Mail website where it might have achieved some good.

So I got to thinking that Muslims are doing stuff but maybe it’s not getting the coverage it should do.

I did a google earlier on “not in my name” and it was very pleasing to see a lot of coverage on how Muslims are opposing ISIS. And very good stuff it is too.

But is it too small a scale? Facebook groups and personal videos posted are all very well, but where’s the more visible opposition?

People say others don’t apologise and others don’t protest. But that’s not true is it.

The “not in my name” didn’t begin with Muslim protest. It’s been used for many years because, for example, people protested invasions and bombings done by the west. Protests have been large and often against the US and the British governments by the American and British people. Think of all those anti Vietnam war demos; the CND marches; the opposition to American weapons on British soil (Greenham women); anti Iraq war protests; opposition to anti-terror laws, Guantanamo...the list is endless.

There are demos, marches etc by people against their own governments. They are very visible. Christ even the anti-abortion crowd stages vigils outside abortion clinics. There’s one almost permanently here in my town.

So, maybe Muslims  do need to do more to distance themselves and show their disapproval. What have they got to lose? What about an equivalent to “wrong trousers” day where they dress ‘normally’ – if only for the purposes of a rally and they get back into traditional gear once it’s done.

If the rest of us can sit in a bath of baked beans, shave our heads or whatever, why can't they do something out of the ordinary to oppose what's being done in the name of their religion.

At the very least such an action might show those idiots who will spit at them or firebomb the mosque that their anger should be used elsewhere.

Is it really too much to ask?

My wife died

Two weeks ago today.

It was not unexpected once I realised what was happening and thanks to some internet research. But there was still hope that one final test (a liver biopsy) would show something else was wrong - something more treatable - and/or that the other conditions present were making it worse than it otherwise would be and that maybe they could be treated to alleviate her overall condition.

She'd had a ton of health issues and more than a cocktail of regular meds for years and last October she was in hospital for a month with a new condition. I remain convinced her discharge was delayed for no good reason - a home assessment by occupational therapy that was delayed.

But there were a couple of symptoms that I now know were maybe a sign of things to come although they were also side effects of some of her meds that we had previously observed to varying degrees. So who would really know?

As things worsened and she had a couple of unexplained falls, I remembered a referral had been made to a liver specialist following an observation by a doctor dealing with a kidney stone that there were signs of possible Cirrhosis.

I found that of the dozen or so symptoms, she was showing 8 of them and, further, a complication of Cirrhosis would explain another investigation already underway for a different problem. She was also showing advanced Encephalopathy which is described as confusion but is really so much more.

The prognosis didn't look good.

In hospital there were frustrations for all. My wife couldn't always find the right words to communicate nor could she sometimes understand basic things, although she knew who we were; husband, mother, son and daughter.

But in some ways that made it worse. She wanted things that she couldn't have. To go home. To go to the bathroom - to physically go, not to use the bedpan. We had to say no but she couldn't understand the explanations. I feared that she might feel we were punishing her in some way or that we didn't love her anymore.

She would retreat into some imaginary world and would suddenly say "what do you think?" and it was clear she believed she'd been talking with us and was just carrying on.

One of the tests that would have diagnosed an issue that materialised days later (too late?) and may have helped, she refused, saying her (late) father had appeared and warned her against it. She could not be persuaded.

The liver biopsy was refused at the last minute with her apparently believing that we, her family, were also having the procedure. It seemed that the tiny risk of complication was multiplied in her mind because there were more of us.

It seemed the treatment of this disease was hindered by its very symptoms.

The doctor made us aware that it didn't look good and that maybe it was time to just make her comfortable. I had to agree but there was still that one possibility from the liver biopsy which was being rearranged and the treatment of other issues. 

However, by now, one of those treatments couldn't go ahead as she'd already pulled out her IV and was likely to do the same again. It was looking grim but we wanted to be as sure as we could be.

Two weeks ago today she was asleep just as she had so often been over the previous days but she was unresponsive when they came to give her the latest meds and I thought this would be the coma I had been expecting. We had to leave the room while they attended and revived her. Bells going off, people running along corridors etc.

They did manage to revive her but not without other complications.

Well that was it. No ‘need’ for the biopsy now – so we told the doc to go for the comfort/don’t prolong it option and her records were noted accordingly. We stayed with her after they’d moved her to another room. She was aware of us, still knew and recognised us and there was a bit of face and hand holding. And a few words. Then she fell asleep again.

She didn't wake up.